boys and girls

i forgot i could change my font type. arial baby. i honestly dont really care as you can tell by my lack of punctuation and capitalization and my run on sentences that would make hanna na english prof cry. shes the type that dots every i, crosses every t, even her emails are perfect. mine look like one long sentence. i think it makes people pay more attention bc they have to read very carefully to understand what im saying. im just a lazy bastard, what can i say.

my only friend that ever calls me out anywhere, Clint Eastwood Park, aka downfall of my life, was kind enough to invite me to tgif a couple of nights ago. i saw faces i havent seen in a while, and if you know me, i always lead the conversation to sex. which leads to relationship talk. there is one mutual female friend that was there, and wow. i thought i was a maneater? she tears boys hearts out and eats them for lunch. very sweet and girly, but the minute we start talking about relationships her heart (or lack thereof) shows. here are some bits and pieces of our conversation.

X: when a guy approaches me, its like i wanna ask him, what do you have to offer me?
its either my way or no way.
the last time i went on a date and i wasn't feeling it, i told him "This isn't working. I really don't feel like being here" and walked out on him.
i want my heart to be broken. what does that feel like? i want to feel some stirring of emotions for a guy.
i think meeting a boyfriend once a week is sufficient. any more than that is unnecessary.
i never crave sex.

i think my mouth fell open about 17 times while we were talking. i pointed to the black table and asked her if that was the color of her evil heart. i asked her if she knew what emotions were. after her spiel on boys and relationships, clint and i looked at her and asked in unison, totally serious:

me: are you a lesbian?
clint: are you a robot?

and she looked at us like we were crazy. clint sees her face and goes, "OHHhhhhhhh i get it. you're a LESBIAN ROBOT!" super loud like in tgif. i almost fell off my stool. then he looked at her and said " someone needs to break your fucking heart." ahhhh clintoris. what would my life be like without you?

im not knocking her style at all. everyone has different needs and wants. she's epitome of miss independent hard ass i get what I want when i want it and if you dont have it get the fuck out of my face. i can dig that. i think she has more of the dictatorship style. im sure there are some guys that would love to date a female version of Kim Jong Il. I kid i kid. *grins*

i hate it when people ask me why i'm single.
"do you have a boyfriend?"
"no."
"why not?"
.......
im going to change my answer every time. why don't i have a boyfriend you ask? bc im a big clam digging lesbian. every guy i meet is 99.9% douchebag. i have the hivs. im bipolar. im a hermaphrodite and they cant deal with the fact that i have a bigger dick than them. or should i sniff and shed a tear while i talk about how my heart was utterly and completely broken by my last serious bf and i have yet to find someone that surpasses the bar he set? i mean, what the fuck kind of answer should i give? and no matter what i say, i know theyre nodding their heads and hmmingg and hawwing and thinking, theres obviously something wrong with ME thats why im single. the fact of the matter is, im single and im happy with it and ill get a boyfriend when the right mothereffer comes along thatll sweep me off my feet with his hilariousness and endless charm. so basically im looking for the male version of myself. :D that was a joke. until then, please stop fucking asking me why im single. i should answer the next person with another question. "are YOU single? no? how the fuck did THAT happen?" and see how they answer.

the lawyer

OKAY jesus SORRY i forgot to update with the story. so one night i was working and got a little drunk (yes i know, what a shocker) and i was super tired and just wanted to go home. there's a regular that used to come in all the time and just recently started coming again, and i thought he was kinda cute in a dorky way and he was always very sweet and a perfect gentleman. had his life on track, had an awesome job lined up, yada yada yada. i was like wow, here's a guy who's actually different, not a douche like every other guy that walks in here! so anyways, we're chit chatting it up, and i mention how tired i am and how i wanna go home, and he goes, "oh i can drop you off, its on my way" to which my dumbass replies "you sure? i dont want to inconvenience you" and he says " nonono, its fine, not a problem" So i wave bye to my roomie who told to stay bc she seemed like she was having fun, hopped in his car, and proceeded to my house. asked him if he was okay to drive home, to which he responds "ehhh im not sure...think im a little drunk" to which my idiot ass says "okay, well you are welcome to crash on the couch" thinking nothing of it bc i knew my roomie would be home soon. go upstairs to change for bed and my room gets super dark all of a sudden and someone comes up behind me and starts sucking my face and pushes me on the bed. WHAT THE FUCK. so im like YO yo yo seriously wtf are you doing? while kinda laughing bc he's acting very...eager. and he's like, oh i think you're so hot blah blah blah bullshit bullshit and i pushed him away and said "i dont know what kind of girl you think i am, just bc i work in a bar and im nice to you does not mean i want to FUCK you. got it?? GET OFF." and he KEPT trying and at this point im seriously laughing out loud at him like wtf dude ill kill you. i wasnt worried bc he's not that big and i couldve totally over powered him and ended his life. so i was like, either go home or go sleep on the couch, im tired, and rolled over on my side, fully clothed. 30 seconds later i feel him pressed up against my back and im turn around to be like DUDE WTF SERIOUSLY and instead i say..."WHAT THE FUCK are you NAKED? WHERE ARE YOUR CLOTHES." to which his smart ass responds, "I took them off." no shit sherlock, is that how you got into law school? i didnt know anyone could undress so fast. maybe he was actually wearing a one piece outfit with those adidas snaps? anyways, i freaked out and i totally turned away to avoid looking at his peen and tried to leave the room, only to find the fuck face had shut my door all the way and i have NO DOORKNOB only the lock part that sticks thru the hole. im like fuckfuckfuck bc i also have no light bc my bulbs busted. so im trapped in my room with a naked overeager beaver and no light. thank God for the no light part in retrospect, i might have been blinded by his nudity. so i was like, "GIVE ME YOUR KEYS. why would you shut the door all the way??! did you not see that there's no DOORKNOB??!" and i started stabbing at the lock trying to figure out how to open the damn thing and he keeps coming up behind me and trying to grope me and i swear i almost stabbed him in the balls. Somehow got it open, divine intervention, and i told him to put his clothes back on. PLEASE. put them on. and he's like cmonnn...i won't think of you any less if you change your mind...

.....

CHRIST! i was like oh dont worry, that's the last thing on my mind, you thinking any less of me. so he finally gets dressed while i look away, i swear i didnt see a damn thing, and i walked his ass out. the next morning i woke up feeling cracked out as hell, and my eyes land on something on my bedside table. its like the scene in the movies where they zoom in on something and there's terror music playing in the background. behold the trojan condom the brilliant boy left behind. SOMEONE was ready to go. i gagged a little bit. the best part was when he called me later on that afternoon. here's how it went:

me: hello? (it was an unfamiliar number)
him: hey, its _______.
me: oh Heeeyyyy whats upppp....(fake niceness)
him: oh im good, just a little hungover, haven't drinken that much in a while..how are you feeling?
me: im great. i feel fine.
him: you sure? ( and he asked me this again and again. another tactic learned in law school no doubt. )
me: yes, im fine. why do you keep asking me??
him: oh i dunno...(laughs)...soooo i guess its ok for me to come back and drink at prime ever again?
me: (smirks) suuure why not. oh and by the way, you dropped something at my house. ill hold on to it for you, give it back next time i see you.
him: umm...what did i drop?
me: oh i dunno. check your pockets. missing anything?
him: no...i dont think so?
me: check your wallet.
him: hmm...no i have everything. why? what did i leave?
me: dont worry, ill return it. i think you need it more than i do.
him: (sounding panicky) what did i leave??
me: your trojan condom. on my bedside table.
him: (silence) ... im so sorry. i can be such an asshole sometimes when i drink.
me: ohhh no worries, its alll gooooood!
him: i think ill go now.
me: OK BYEEEE!
*click*

i dunno, something tells me he won't be coming back? just a hunch...

CONGRATULATIONS you have officially won the 2009 DOUCHEBAG OF THE YEAR AWARD. and the year is only half over.

JESUS finally....

ok. finally i can update while im at work. i had so much to write about but now its all smooshed together in my brain and im having a hard time picking things apart. work is turning my brain to mush. its 730 and my first customer walked in. a fat creepy white man that keeps staring at my bum. guhross. *pokes his eyes out*

so im sure everyone and their mom has seen star trek by now? was it not the most ridiculously good movie EVER??!! ok maybe not that but it was damn good. and you know what made it better? SPOCK. yeah i said it. spock. not captn kirk. spock damnit. ive always had a thing for the odd ones. like edward scissorhands, played by my longtime husband johnny depp. ewan mcgregor. in entourage i liked jeremy piven, not the hot star with the green eyes and curly black hair. i like michael cena from superbad. in fast and the furious tokyo drift i looooove hans. i think its bc it makes my odds better at scoring. why go for the one that all the girls drool over when i can have the less popular one that I drool over. i dont want to have to fight anyone. back to spock. sigh. those bangs. those ears. that killer intellect. i want his brows. if we ever got in a fight, all he would have to do is talk about newman's theory or recite pi to the umpteenth number and i would melt. *swoon* take me NOW!!!!

*side note* that fat creepy bastard is so not smooth. i saw him staring at my boobs. hello. my eyes are on my FACE MOTHERFUCKER! i should have stabbed him with the corona bottle...

i have a HIGHlarious story to tell. buttttt im going to leave all 4 of my readers in suspense and write about it later. and by later i mean in about 30 min because i have nothing to do. but i will give you a hint. it involves nudity. and no, its not my nudity.*DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN*

wtf

so im sitting here, slightly buzzed, just got back to work after a little impromtu stop at a dongsengs graduation party. CONGRATULATIONS ESTHER i lover you, you little hot big breasted tamale. anyways, it was all fun and games until my crazy ass dongseng annie decided to beat some fob bitches ass. yeah. this crazy bitch comes running in the karaoke room, grabs her purse, and bonnie is like UNNI! STOP HER! so im like wtf and slowly walk out with my sexy ass stripper heels (thank you sara jeon, black with hot pink heels) and this crazy ass hoe is at her car searching for a mfing golf club. grabs her spare heels, storms back in, and as im walking back in the bar i see her screaming at some girl and starts stabbing her in the head with her heels.WTF. who does that. so of course i grab her and hold her back, like WTF its estas graduation you crazy bitch, and then all hell breaks loose. in the end, the bitch was bleeding, i made crazy annie apologize only on grounds that next time we see her we will beat her ass. dude. im getting too old for this shit. and the night ended with me dancing and singing to some fob music like nobody, nobody but you! *clap clap. clap* and having drunk oppas telling me to stay out and making promises for tomorrow night. btw happy birthday angela you young ass bitch i hate you for being so young while im getting gray hairs and cataracts. the end.

what girls talk about

im sure all guys have wondered at some point, wtf do girls talk about? okay, im sure guys really dont give a fuck what girls talk about, but contrary to popular belief its not all about shopping and fashion and shit like that. after a lengthy bbm conversation with a crazy girlfriend of mine, during which i almost died from splitting my gut laughing, i decided to post bits and pieces of our convo to give you all a glimpse into the secret world of girl talk. well, the shit that me and some of my girls talk about. (some is verbatim, some is recalled from memory) m=me. x=secret friend.

x: i envy the girls that can come top bottom finger spatula whatever. i can only come if im on top and as long as they dont start bouncing me up and down. i get really angry when they do that.

m: i can see you, turning all mad and the black cloud forming over your head

x: i get nothing out of guys going down on me. what i feel like doing is punching them in the face. but i generally just play along and fake it. the burden of being a woman. i try to fight the bouncing but they're stronger than me. 

m: me too! hahahha omg you are the only one other than me

x: holy shit. youre the first girl ive met that doesnt like it either. everyone thinks im crazy. or getting head from a farm animal.

m: i know. i get that all the time. the crazy comment, not head from an animal.

x: whenever guys get too eager to go down on me im like oh baby i NEED you now!

m: hahahaha i just straight grab their head and say nononono dont do that please.

x: do guys like it? i cant imagine it being very pleasant. but i dont mind going down on guys as long as they dont ask.

m: me too. God. we are twins.

x: labias linked for life

____________________________________________________________________

x: you know what i cant stand? the jack rabbit. no woman likes the jack rabbit.

m: those are the worst

x: its always the ones with the smallest peens that talk the most shit. and then they pump so fast like theyre hoping you wont notice.

m: hahaha i know, im like damn where's the fire???! im not going anywhere!!!

x: um, theyre trying to start a fire in your vagina, duh. haven't you ever seen survivorman?

m: LOL. i'll pass. i dont enjoy getting dick burn.

____________________________________________________________________

x: i dont like talking during sex. it breaks my concentration. im more of a grunt girl.

m: whhhaaat! you dont like dirty talk? well, then again, it depends on how the guy sounds. they have to do it right. bad dirty talk is a huge turnoff. my vaj will dry up like a raisin in the sun. 

x: yeah. like, if theyre too nice about it. "i wanna fuck you doggy style...if thats ok with you"

m: LOL. gross. or, how about "suck my dick...please?"

x: LOL

m: but its not like i wanna have a conversation either. theres a fine line. silent ones are the worst.

x: one time i opened my eyes and the guy was just staring at me. like he was watching the news.

m: OMG. hahahhahaha. dude thats fucking creepy.

i tend to have bbm convos along these lines. i lead an interesting life, i know.

Yo yo yo

So I always thought it would be hard to start a blog because I'm not exactly computer savvy, but after seeing the park sister's blog spot (theparksisters.blogspot.com) I was like what the haiiillll it can't be that hard...not that I'm saying the park sisters are retarded or anything. *big smile* i kid! i kid i kid. i heart the park sisters and i think they are beautiful and they know they're ridiculously (or ridonkulously as they would say) smart . i would give them a big bear hug but i might crush their fragile little bones. 

back to the subject at hand. which is, why i'm starting a blog. well, why the fuck not? i like to write. i lead a semi-interesting life, fueled by alcohol. and i want to prove i have a life outside of prime, because everyone thinks i live there. which i don't...only sometimes. im at a point in my life where everything has basically been fucked and im almost homeless with no car and (almost) no job. why not document it. it can't get any worse. butttt knowing my luck, im sure something will happen to fuck it up more. i should have titled this blog FUCK MY LIFE for all the luck i have. so basically yeah, i made this to write about myself. i know i know, a dream come true for some of you. please, hold the applause. and if you can't tell im effing sarcastic, then go eat a dick and die. 

lately i've been experiencing a lot of firsts. i moved out on my own for the first time. i packed up my bags on a whim and went on a literally last minute trip to new york alone with no plans. i have been carless for the first time in my life since i started driving. i went on a date with a younger guy (people who know me well know my rule on that). i went to minnesota. i have experienced a lot of things that have humbled me. ive cried more in this past month than i have in my life. fuck i hate crying. but you know what? i feel kinda good. like ive woken up and see everything in a different light. (random thought: sorry to all those who are irked by my lack of capitalizing and punctuation. im lazy. what can i say.)

ANYWAYS. enough of the serious shit. let's talk about my trip to minnesota. or should i say...MIIINNNEESSSSoooooooooooTTTTAAAA. with the accent. it drives them crazy. *smile* God knows that i would never voluntarily go to minnesota for vacation. vegas? yes. nyc? hells yes. la? where's my ticket. but minnesota? i would have to say no. but i like to think people only get married once (or twice) so 7 of us atliens flew up to minnesota for a wedding. we stayed in minnetonka, mn. i know. wtf? i didnt know such a place existed. at first we were all like fuuuucckkk what the fuck are we going to do here? and at the end of the trip we were all like fuuuuccckk i dont want to go back to atlanta!!! because THAT my friends, is how much fun we had. yes. no sarcasm, im dead ass. let me just say minnesota has some of the craziest, most fun, most hospitable people we have ever met in our lives. and they're all alcoholics, so we fit right in. the first night there was this atl vs mn battle and these evil girls who shall not be named (lauren and lisa) joined heads with the antichrist bartender (john's cousin) and tricked us into taking a countless number of 151 shots. but did we fall? never. did i end the night dancing like a michinyon and doing the air guitar? yes. but i like to tell myself that's a good thing. i told my sister laughing, and she just covered her face in shame...of me. she does that a lot. i have no idea why. the magic word is booby. oh yeah. before we went drunk dancing down the street, we started the night going to the wrong bar, thanks to john the groom who gave us the name the bar USED to be called. so we googled it, climbed in the rented black on black navi with sam's semi-dried vomit on the side, and ended up at the shiestiest looking ghetto ass bar ever. it was in a supermarket plaza. need i say more? THE DIVE BAR. in st paul, mn. don't go there. let me help you out. as soon as we walked in there were holes burned into the side of our heads from people staring. picture this. blue neon lights, ghetto booty music from 1999, a bunch of tpt fat ass white girls jiggling against each other on the tiny dance floor, pinball machines, pool tables. as soon as i walked in the door guy handed me a red plastic cup with "Captain Morgan" printed on the side and urged me to hurry because i had 10 minutes left to get free drinks. i thanked him and left it in the bathroom. we were the only asians in there, and we were dressed to go clubbing. they were wearing windbreaker outfits and those horrible chunky heel shoes and denim miniskirts that were too short. and if you guys say, hey, there's nothing wrong with short skirts! i say in response, there is when the person wearing it is a pale mini version of Shamoo with cottage cheese thighs. the bitch bartender blatantly ignored us for 10 minutes and i was about to jump over the bar and punch the bitch in the throat but she got lucky and the nice guy bartender served us. i hope she reads this and knows how close she was to imminent death. 

the next 10 minutes was a whirlwind of events. there was a cat fight where this dominican chick knocked the fuck out of this big white girl because she was talking to her black boyfriend. LOL. i missed the actual fight because i have the worst timing in the world and had to pee. but i saw the girl walk in with a bleeding face. the guys were so excited like "DUUUUDE you just missed the craziest shit this bitch just got knocked the fuckoutttt!". she broke her captain morgan cup. i wouldnt be surprised if thats what started the fight. then boae got grinded on by a 40 something fat white lesbian ajumma. from the back. she is still traumatized to this day. i remember how she curled up in a little ball in the car, close to tears. im evil and couldnt stop laughing. after boae's special buttrub we went to smoke, wondering where all our mn friends were, and they called us, wondering where the hell we were. turns out we were at the wrong dive bar. i wish someone could have recorded our faces when we found out. we all bolted for the door and made it to the place in record time. and power drank because everything in mn closes at 2 on the DOT. literally, at 2:00 AM the lights come on and the bouncers push you out the door by 2:01. what happened the rest of the night is strictly off record. if i write about it ill be assassinated by someone ninja stealth style.

jesus im hungry. ive been constipated since we got back and i just sulssahed it all out so my stomach is empty. sorry. random thought. 

all in all, it was a great trip. i learned that minnesota people are cool as fuck AND hilarious (at least the ones we met), they have a diner with the most delicious crab cakes benedict EVER, hennesey is still gross, and i can pound the shit out of heinekens when there is no other beer available. oh yeah, and clint eastwood park is the worst plus one ever for a wedding. we will definitely go back. sans clint. 

ill save my last minute trip to biloxi that was decided at 4 AM at the end of a drunken night at prime for another blog. i wrote way too much, my fingers hurt, and im sure no one has read the whole thing. because if you did, you would know the magic word (thanks juno*).