boys and girls

i forgot i could change my font type. arial baby. i honestly dont really care as you can tell by my lack of punctuation and capitalization and my run on sentences that would make hanna na english prof cry. shes the type that dots every i, crosses every t, even her emails are perfect. mine look like one long sentence. i think it makes people pay more attention bc they have to read very carefully to understand what im saying. im just a lazy bastard, what can i say.

my only friend that ever calls me out anywhere, Clint Eastwood Park, aka downfall of my life, was kind enough to invite me to tgif a couple of nights ago. i saw faces i havent seen in a while, and if you know me, i always lead the conversation to sex. which leads to relationship talk. there is one mutual female friend that was there, and wow. i thought i was a maneater? she tears boys hearts out and eats them for lunch. very sweet and girly, but the minute we start talking about relationships her heart (or lack thereof) shows. here are some bits and pieces of our conversation.

X: when a guy approaches me, its like i wanna ask him, what do you have to offer me?
its either my way or no way.
the last time i went on a date and i wasn't feeling it, i told him "This isn't working. I really don't feel like being here" and walked out on him.
i want my heart to be broken. what does that feel like? i want to feel some stirring of emotions for a guy.
i think meeting a boyfriend once a week is sufficient. any more than that is unnecessary.
i never crave sex.

i think my mouth fell open about 17 times while we were talking. i pointed to the black table and asked her if that was the color of her evil heart. i asked her if she knew what emotions were. after her spiel on boys and relationships, clint and i looked at her and asked in unison, totally serious:

me: are you a lesbian?
clint: are you a robot?

and she looked at us like we were crazy. clint sees her face and goes, "OHHhhhhhhh i get it. you're a LESBIAN ROBOT!" super loud like in tgif. i almost fell off my stool. then he looked at her and said " someone needs to break your fucking heart." ahhhh clintoris. what would my life be like without you?

im not knocking her style at all. everyone has different needs and wants. she's epitome of miss independent hard ass i get what I want when i want it and if you dont have it get the fuck out of my face. i can dig that. i think she has more of the dictatorship style. im sure there are some guys that would love to date a female version of Kim Jong Il. I kid i kid. *grins*

i hate it when people ask me why i'm single.
"do you have a boyfriend?"
"no."
"why not?"
.......
im going to change my answer every time. why don't i have a boyfriend you ask? bc im a big clam digging lesbian. every guy i meet is 99.9% douchebag. i have the hivs. im bipolar. im a hermaphrodite and they cant deal with the fact that i have a bigger dick than them. or should i sniff and shed a tear while i talk about how my heart was utterly and completely broken by my last serious bf and i have yet to find someone that surpasses the bar he set? i mean, what the fuck kind of answer should i give? and no matter what i say, i know theyre nodding their heads and hmmingg and hawwing and thinking, theres obviously something wrong with ME thats why im single. the fact of the matter is, im single and im happy with it and ill get a boyfriend when the right mothereffer comes along thatll sweep me off my feet with his hilariousness and endless charm. so basically im looking for the male version of myself. :D that was a joke. until then, please stop fucking asking me why im single. i should answer the next person with another question. "are YOU single? no? how the fuck did THAT happen?" and see how they answer.