the lawyer

OKAY jesus SORRY i forgot to update with the story. so one night i was working and got a little drunk (yes i know, what a shocker) and i was super tired and just wanted to go home. there's a regular that used to come in all the time and just recently started coming again, and i thought he was kinda cute in a dorky way and he was always very sweet and a perfect gentleman. had his life on track, had an awesome job lined up, yada yada yada. i was like wow, here's a guy who's actually different, not a douche like every other guy that walks in here! so anyways, we're chit chatting it up, and i mention how tired i am and how i wanna go home, and he goes, "oh i can drop you off, its on my way" to which my dumbass replies "you sure? i dont want to inconvenience you" and he says " nonono, its fine, not a problem" So i wave bye to my roomie who told to stay bc she seemed like she was having fun, hopped in his car, and proceeded to my house. asked him if he was okay to drive home, to which he responds "ehhh im not sure...think im a little drunk" to which my idiot ass says "okay, well you are welcome to crash on the couch" thinking nothing of it bc i knew my roomie would be home soon. go upstairs to change for bed and my room gets super dark all of a sudden and someone comes up behind me and starts sucking my face and pushes me on the bed. WHAT THE FUCK. so im like YO yo yo seriously wtf are you doing? while kinda laughing bc he's acting very...eager. and he's like, oh i think you're so hot blah blah blah bullshit bullshit and i pushed him away and said "i dont know what kind of girl you think i am, just bc i work in a bar and im nice to you does not mean i want to FUCK you. got it?? GET OFF." and he KEPT trying and at this point im seriously laughing out loud at him like wtf dude ill kill you. i wasnt worried bc he's not that big and i couldve totally over powered him and ended his life. so i was like, either go home or go sleep on the couch, im tired, and rolled over on my side, fully clothed. 30 seconds later i feel him pressed up against my back and im turn around to be like DUDE WTF SERIOUSLY and instead i say..."WHAT THE FUCK are you NAKED? WHERE ARE YOUR CLOTHES." to which his smart ass responds, "I took them off." no shit sherlock, is that how you got into law school? i didnt know anyone could undress so fast. maybe he was actually wearing a one piece outfit with those adidas snaps? anyways, i freaked out and i totally turned away to avoid looking at his peen and tried to leave the room, only to find the fuck face had shut my door all the way and i have NO DOORKNOB only the lock part that sticks thru the hole. im like fuckfuckfuck bc i also have no light bc my bulbs busted. so im trapped in my room with a naked overeager beaver and no light. thank God for the no light part in retrospect, i might have been blinded by his nudity. so i was like, "GIVE ME YOUR KEYS. why would you shut the door all the way??! did you not see that there's no DOORKNOB??!" and i started stabbing at the lock trying to figure out how to open the damn thing and he keeps coming up behind me and trying to grope me and i swear i almost stabbed him in the balls. Somehow got it open, divine intervention, and i told him to put his clothes back on. PLEASE. put them on. and he's like cmonnn...i won't think of you any less if you change your mind...

.....

CHRIST! i was like oh dont worry, that's the last thing on my mind, you thinking any less of me. so he finally gets dressed while i look away, i swear i didnt see a damn thing, and i walked his ass out. the next morning i woke up feeling cracked out as hell, and my eyes land on something on my bedside table. its like the scene in the movies where they zoom in on something and there's terror music playing in the background. behold the trojan condom the brilliant boy left behind. SOMEONE was ready to go. i gagged a little bit. the best part was when he called me later on that afternoon. here's how it went:

me: hello? (it was an unfamiliar number)
him: hey, its _______.
me: oh Heeeyyyy whats upppp....(fake niceness)
him: oh im good, just a little hungover, haven't drinken that much in a while..how are you feeling?
me: im great. i feel fine.
him: you sure? ( and he asked me this again and again. another tactic learned in law school no doubt. )
me: yes, im fine. why do you keep asking me??
him: oh i dunno...(laughs)...soooo i guess its ok for me to come back and drink at prime ever again?
me: (smirks) suuure why not. oh and by the way, you dropped something at my house. ill hold on to it for you, give it back next time i see you.
him: umm...what did i drop?
me: oh i dunno. check your pockets. missing anything?
him: no...i dont think so?
me: check your wallet.
him: hmm...no i have everything. why? what did i leave?
me: dont worry, ill return it. i think you need it more than i do.
him: (sounding panicky) what did i leave??
me: your trojan condom. on my bedside table.
him: (silence) ... im so sorry. i can be such an asshole sometimes when i drink.
me: ohhh no worries, its alll gooooood!
him: i think ill go now.
me: OK BYEEEE!
*click*

i dunno, something tells me he won't be coming back? just a hunch...

CONGRATULATIONS you have officially won the 2009 DOUCHEBAG OF THE YEAR AWARD. and the year is only half over.