boys and girls

i forgot i could change my font type. arial baby. i honestly dont really care as you can tell by my lack of punctuation and capitalization and my run on sentences that would make hanna na english prof cry. shes the type that dots every i, crosses every t, even her emails are perfect. mine look like one long sentence. i think it makes people pay more attention bc they have to read very carefully to understand what im saying. im just a lazy bastard, what can i say.

my only friend that ever calls me out anywhere, Clint Eastwood Park, aka downfall of my life, was kind enough to invite me to tgif a couple of nights ago. i saw faces i havent seen in a while, and if you know me, i always lead the conversation to sex. which leads to relationship talk. there is one mutual female friend that was there, and wow. i thought i was a maneater? she tears boys hearts out and eats them for lunch. very sweet and girly, but the minute we start talking about relationships her heart (or lack thereof) shows. here are some bits and pieces of our conversation.

X: when a guy approaches me, its like i wanna ask him, what do you have to offer me?
its either my way or no way.
the last time i went on a date and i wasn't feeling it, i told him "This isn't working. I really don't feel like being here" and walked out on him.
i want my heart to be broken. what does that feel like? i want to feel some stirring of emotions for a guy.
i think meeting a boyfriend once a week is sufficient. any more than that is unnecessary.
i never crave sex.

i think my mouth fell open about 17 times while we were talking. i pointed to the black table and asked her if that was the color of her evil heart. i asked her if she knew what emotions were. after her spiel on boys and relationships, clint and i looked at her and asked in unison, totally serious:

me: are you a lesbian?
clint: are you a robot?

and she looked at us like we were crazy. clint sees her face and goes, "OHHhhhhhhh i get it. you're a LESBIAN ROBOT!" super loud like in tgif. i almost fell off my stool. then he looked at her and said " someone needs to break your fucking heart." ahhhh clintoris. what would my life be like without you?

im not knocking her style at all. everyone has different needs and wants. she's epitome of miss independent hard ass i get what I want when i want it and if you dont have it get the fuck out of my face. i can dig that. i think she has more of the dictatorship style. im sure there are some guys that would love to date a female version of Kim Jong Il. I kid i kid. *grins*

i hate it when people ask me why i'm single.
"do you have a boyfriend?"
"no."
"why not?"
.......
im going to change my answer every time. why don't i have a boyfriend you ask? bc im a big clam digging lesbian. every guy i meet is 99.9% douchebag. i have the hivs. im bipolar. im a hermaphrodite and they cant deal with the fact that i have a bigger dick than them. or should i sniff and shed a tear while i talk about how my heart was utterly and completely broken by my last serious bf and i have yet to find someone that surpasses the bar he set? i mean, what the fuck kind of answer should i give? and no matter what i say, i know theyre nodding their heads and hmmingg and hawwing and thinking, theres obviously something wrong with ME thats why im single. the fact of the matter is, im single and im happy with it and ill get a boyfriend when the right mothereffer comes along thatll sweep me off my feet with his hilariousness and endless charm. so basically im looking for the male version of myself. :D that was a joke. until then, please stop fucking asking me why im single. i should answer the next person with another question. "are YOU single? no? how the fuck did THAT happen?" and see how they answer.

the lawyer

OKAY jesus SORRY i forgot to update with the story. so one night i was working and got a little drunk (yes i know, what a shocker) and i was super tired and just wanted to go home. there's a regular that used to come in all the time and just recently started coming again, and i thought he was kinda cute in a dorky way and he was always very sweet and a perfect gentleman. had his life on track, had an awesome job lined up, yada yada yada. i was like wow, here's a guy who's actually different, not a douche like every other guy that walks in here! so anyways, we're chit chatting it up, and i mention how tired i am and how i wanna go home, and he goes, "oh i can drop you off, its on my way" to which my dumbass replies "you sure? i dont want to inconvenience you" and he says " nonono, its fine, not a problem" So i wave bye to my roomie who told to stay bc she seemed like she was having fun, hopped in his car, and proceeded to my house. asked him if he was okay to drive home, to which he responds "ehhh im not sure...think im a little drunk" to which my idiot ass says "okay, well you are welcome to crash on the couch" thinking nothing of it bc i knew my roomie would be home soon. go upstairs to change for bed and my room gets super dark all of a sudden and someone comes up behind me and starts sucking my face and pushes me on the bed. WHAT THE FUCK. so im like YO yo yo seriously wtf are you doing? while kinda laughing bc he's acting very...eager. and he's like, oh i think you're so hot blah blah blah bullshit bullshit and i pushed him away and said "i dont know what kind of girl you think i am, just bc i work in a bar and im nice to you does not mean i want to FUCK you. got it?? GET OFF." and he KEPT trying and at this point im seriously laughing out loud at him like wtf dude ill kill you. i wasnt worried bc he's not that big and i couldve totally over powered him and ended his life. so i was like, either go home or go sleep on the couch, im tired, and rolled over on my side, fully clothed. 30 seconds later i feel him pressed up against my back and im turn around to be like DUDE WTF SERIOUSLY and instead i say..."WHAT THE FUCK are you NAKED? WHERE ARE YOUR CLOTHES." to which his smart ass responds, "I took them off." no shit sherlock, is that how you got into law school? i didnt know anyone could undress so fast. maybe he was actually wearing a one piece outfit with those adidas snaps? anyways, i freaked out and i totally turned away to avoid looking at his peen and tried to leave the room, only to find the fuck face had shut my door all the way and i have NO DOORKNOB only the lock part that sticks thru the hole. im like fuckfuckfuck bc i also have no light bc my bulbs busted. so im trapped in my room with a naked overeager beaver and no light. thank God for the no light part in retrospect, i might have been blinded by his nudity. so i was like, "GIVE ME YOUR KEYS. why would you shut the door all the way??! did you not see that there's no DOORKNOB??!" and i started stabbing at the lock trying to figure out how to open the damn thing and he keeps coming up behind me and trying to grope me and i swear i almost stabbed him in the balls. Somehow got it open, divine intervention, and i told him to put his clothes back on. PLEASE. put them on. and he's like cmonnn...i won't think of you any less if you change your mind...

.....

CHRIST! i was like oh dont worry, that's the last thing on my mind, you thinking any less of me. so he finally gets dressed while i look away, i swear i didnt see a damn thing, and i walked his ass out. the next morning i woke up feeling cracked out as hell, and my eyes land on something on my bedside table. its like the scene in the movies where they zoom in on something and there's terror music playing in the background. behold the trojan condom the brilliant boy left behind. SOMEONE was ready to go. i gagged a little bit. the best part was when he called me later on that afternoon. here's how it went:

me: hello? (it was an unfamiliar number)
him: hey, its _______.
me: oh Heeeyyyy whats upppp....(fake niceness)
him: oh im good, just a little hungover, haven't drinken that much in a while..how are you feeling?
me: im great. i feel fine.
him: you sure? ( and he asked me this again and again. another tactic learned in law school no doubt. )
me: yes, im fine. why do you keep asking me??
him: oh i dunno...(laughs)...soooo i guess its ok for me to come back and drink at prime ever again?
me: (smirks) suuure why not. oh and by the way, you dropped something at my house. ill hold on to it for you, give it back next time i see you.
him: umm...what did i drop?
me: oh i dunno. check your pockets. missing anything?
him: no...i dont think so?
me: check your wallet.
him: hmm...no i have everything. why? what did i leave?
me: dont worry, ill return it. i think you need it more than i do.
him: (sounding panicky) what did i leave??
me: your trojan condom. on my bedside table.
him: (silence) ... im so sorry. i can be such an asshole sometimes when i drink.
me: ohhh no worries, its alll gooooood!
him: i think ill go now.
me: OK BYEEEE!
*click*

i dunno, something tells me he won't be coming back? just a hunch...

CONGRATULATIONS you have officially won the 2009 DOUCHEBAG OF THE YEAR AWARD. and the year is only half over.

JESUS finally....

ok. finally i can update while im at work. i had so much to write about but now its all smooshed together in my brain and im having a hard time picking things apart. work is turning my brain to mush. its 730 and my first customer walked in. a fat creepy white man that keeps staring at my bum. guhross. *pokes his eyes out*

so im sure everyone and their mom has seen star trek by now? was it not the most ridiculously good movie EVER??!! ok maybe not that but it was damn good. and you know what made it better? SPOCK. yeah i said it. spock. not captn kirk. spock damnit. ive always had a thing for the odd ones. like edward scissorhands, played by my longtime husband johnny depp. ewan mcgregor. in entourage i liked jeremy piven, not the hot star with the green eyes and curly black hair. i like michael cena from superbad. in fast and the furious tokyo drift i looooove hans. i think its bc it makes my odds better at scoring. why go for the one that all the girls drool over when i can have the less popular one that I drool over. i dont want to have to fight anyone. back to spock. sigh. those bangs. those ears. that killer intellect. i want his brows. if we ever got in a fight, all he would have to do is talk about newman's theory or recite pi to the umpteenth number and i would melt. *swoon* take me NOW!!!!

*side note* that fat creepy bastard is so not smooth. i saw him staring at my boobs. hello. my eyes are on my FACE MOTHERFUCKER! i should have stabbed him with the corona bottle...

i have a HIGHlarious story to tell. buttttt im going to leave all 4 of my readers in suspense and write about it later. and by later i mean in about 30 min because i have nothing to do. but i will give you a hint. it involves nudity. and no, its not my nudity.*DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN*